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a quickie. haha.

Wow, I haven't posted in a bit. Blame it on homework, Tumblr, and my grandma becoming ill.

Life has been kind of crazy. I've really been exploring my gender a lot lately and wondering about the world. I've been wondering about spirituality too--Jung has been influencing me quite a bit.

I feel like there is so much to read and yet... well here I am online. I have Sherlock Holes, Frankenstein, Freud, Mrs. Dalloway...

Bah! I ought to sleep. I'll update tomorrow.

A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it."

1. I've come to the conclusion that I am generally attracted to three sorts of people: punks, artists, and teachers.

2. I'm known to be naive but it's out of inexperience and ignorance so sometimes I get frustrated with myself.

3.  People basically pressured me into wearing a dress to my graduation. It turns out that there is a grad for college kids too so this time around I'm wearing a suit. I'm uncomfortable in a dress and have always liked suits so why not wear one right? (But nooo, it goes against gender norms and society rules...)

4.  Words enthrall me.

5.  Harvey Milk is my hero. There are probably equally cool, influencial, amazingly talented people out there but I have not heard of them.

6.  I have had braces for the past nine years. This year, I should be getting an operation for overbite. Then after several months, just to make sure my teeth are still straight, they will take them off. The first thing I will do is eat an apple.

7.  Sometimes I worry that I will not be able to write a novel. It sounds insanely difficult and I am not sure if I have the patience and fortitude to do it. I get tempted to ask one of my friends, who truly knows me, if he thinks I have the ability to do it. Then I wonder if he says "no" would I let that crush me or rise beyond it and get it done?

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Writer's Block: Ten years to the day

What do you expect to be doing ten years from today, and where do you hope to be living?

What a question. I have big plans in life (for life?).

Ten years from now, I will have written a few novels and been fairly successful with them. The queer scene will adore said novels although the novels will have some difficulty breaking into the hetero market. I'll have written many short stories, many of which will have been in The New Yorker.

My queer activism will have taken me through some crazy things and I'll probably be known for starting a non-profit organization, my part in non-violent protests, or something else along such a vein. I'll be known for volunteering at local Montreal queer youth support centres and hopefully  at bigger places like the Hetrick-Martin Institute in New York City.

I will have my Masters or even a PhD. My BA will have been in English with a minor in Interdisciplinary Studies of Sexuality. I'll have done some speeches and/or lectures at colleges and universities.

Obviously, I'd need a day job. Print journalism may or may not be involved. Regardless, I'd edit at a variety of places, both high and low, before finding my niche at some cosy publishing place or magazine. If I will have found such a nice place at 28 may not have happened at that time (god these tenses are awkward).

I'd probably have a partner--or you never know, maybe multiple partners. Male, female, genderqueer--doesn't matter. Preferably someone well-educated with artistic tendencies.

I 'm not sure if I would be in Montreal. I could be living in New York City, Paris, or somewhere in the UK. I plan to travel, after all (Europe ftw). I'd defintely have an apartment. I don't expect to be rich enough to afford a nice house. I'm hoping for a decent-sized apartment that would have enough room for an office and a guest room for all the strays that would need my help.

Eventually, although probably not at 28, I'd go back and teach post-secondary education. I like school so why not?

That's pretty much my life plan. It's ambitious, I know. I think most people don't realize how important being queer is to me. Very few people seem to be taking me seriously when I tell them I'm saving my money to go to NYC next summer to hopefully intern at HMI.
Oh well. One day, I'll show them all! Then, they'll see how awesome I can be, how much potential I know I have.
from goldenhair 

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
Nah, man. I'm just looking for now.
02) What was your dream growing up? To write books and become famous! It still is that but now there are some additions.
03) What talent do you wish you had? I wish I could sing well or dance well.
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Probably coffee--black. Maybe a screwdriver if I needed it.
05) Favorite vegetable? Peppers.
06) What was the last book you read? I'm reading a lot for school but for myself right now? The Mayor of Castro Street: The Life and Times of Harvey Milk by Randy Shilts
07) What zodiac sign are you? Aries. You ready for this?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. Two piercings on right ear, one of left.
09) Worst Habit? Procrastination? Not doing things I don't want to do but should?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? I can't drive just yet. Sorry, sweetheart!
11) What is your favorite sport? Snowboarding.
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Optimisitic.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? So where were you headed?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? I see good sides to everything so I can't pick...
15) Tell me one weird fact about you. Sometimes I imagine what I'm doing as an opening scene in a movie. It's fun.
16) Do you have any pets? Finn, a chocolate labrador, and Oscar, a leopard gecko.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? "Hey. What's up? Need some help?"
18) What was your first impression of me? It was online so I'd imagine you sounded interesting and added you.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Intriguing.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Well, I am changing something soon... I have overbite so I'm getting an operation for it soon. It'll be nice 'cause then it will be easier to eat. That's the only thing really. I like me.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Conscience that gets dragged along into your mad schemes.
22) What color eyes do you have? Grey.
23) Ever been arrested? Not yet.
24) Bottle or can soda? Bottle.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Buy all the schoolbooks that I haven't bought yet. Plan a weekend in NYC with some friends for my birthday. Go spend the summer in France working or get an internship in NYC. I'd want to save most of it, really.
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at? It's a tie between Etcetera, my school's queer club, and Reflections, the place where my specialized study program is.
27) Do you believe in ghosts? They could be out there but until then... no.
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Read or write.
29) Do you swear a lot? Not unless I'm in a mood.
30) Biggest pet peeve? Spelling mistakes.
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Honest.
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance? Yeah, although I haven't had any in awhile.
33) Favourite and least favourite food? Favourite? Oh god, I don't know I love food too much! Least...? Brussel sprouts, asparagus?
34) Do you believe in God? A higher being, yes...
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? Done.
36) Favourite band(s) of ALL time:  Muse! And I'm going to see them in March! AHHHH!

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My brother nearly 'blew my cover' at dinner tonight.. We were talking about Valentine's Day with my grandma. He asked me if I had any lovers, which made me laugh heartily. I told him I've met some people lately that could be love interests if I get to know them better. He asked me if they were a boy or a girl.

Fortunately for me, my grandma is hard of hearing. I warned him and then went on to talk about this boy named Leo that I met today--who may or may not be gay as we met at my school's queer club.

It's not that I don't want to tell my grandma. I'm just trying to figure out how she feels to gays in general at the moment. She was lecturing my brother about relationships (he has a gf and he's 11, you see). I quipped: "Well maybe he won't like girls at all!"

My grandma didn't seem disgusted or anything. She did seem remarkably sure that Matt would continue to like girls though.

I'll continue to make comments like that and see what happens.
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I went to dinner with an older gay friend of mine last week. We don't see each other very often. He came out to me in September (it was obvious but I was blind for reasons I'd rather not get into). We had only seen each other about twice since then and for very short periods of time.

Let's call him Bert.

We were celebrating his birthday with dinner and a play. He was shocked that he hadn't told me about his past boyfriends and proceeded to regale me with tales of his crazy youth. Wow, I make him sound old. Bert's totally a wonderful ADHD kid at heart though.

He told me about this amazing lover he had who died of AIDS. Bert still loves him. It made me sad. He's had others since then but.. idk...
My friend told me that he's never ever had unprotected sex. And obviously warned me against unprotected sex--saying that crazy adventures are great but safe crazy adventures.

I saw him again today--which is rare because we never see each other on a daily basis anymore. We had been talking about my getting an internship at the Hetrick-Martin Institute in New York City. It's basically a queer youth support center that's allied with the Harvey Milk High School. We agreed that saving my money for a year would be a good idea and that after I finish college I could go there for the summer. If I'm super into it, I could take a year off school and work in NYC for a year or something.

I'm glad I have someone I can look up to in my life that can help me with all of this. If I didn't have him, I'm sure I would be a very confused individual. Granted, I'm still out-of-sorts but that's what happens when you're figuring out your identity.

Bert told me that I need a place--NYC--that accepts me unconditionally for who I am. I've been to NYC twice and absolutely adore it. I haven't been to Greenwich Village or anything. Just local tourist stuff but the character of the city! Oh my god, I had more fun on the metro than I did on Canal street. I live about 6h away which isn't bad. Montreal and New York have been called sisters, that's how close it is. Plus, there's always the train.

I'm going there for my birthday so I will register with the Institute then. I'll keep in touch and then when summer-2011 rumbles around, I'll apply for the internship.
--
I am also glad of supportive straight friends who give people flak for saying 'that's so gay'. Especially glad of those straight friends who lend a listening ear when I want to ramble about the unfairness of the world or gush about how happy stuff in life makes me.
--

Bert pointed out today that the world is trouble enough and then we have to be gay too?! It made me laugh for a long time. He said that gays are very strong people and I have to agree with him. (He also pointed out that there are also bitchy queers, dumb queers, etc and that I'd have to realize and deal with that--just when I was thinking we were a bunch of creative, intelligent, open-minded people!).

I wouldn't trade my sexuality for the world though.

Is it weird to say that I've met so many fantastic people because I'm queer? But we would have met even if I hadn't been queer, we just have something else in common too. And that makes them more fantastic? Is that silly?

I'm just incredibly thankful that I have so many other gay shoulders that I can lean on, if need be. & having supportive straight friends is awesome. Although, now that I'm out, I think my queer friends are starting to outnumber my straight friends. Ha!

silly queer kid!

I talked to my mom. Like peter thought, it's mostly a generation gap thing.

She has this sort of 'don't ask don't tell' attitude. She says that hearing me talk about my sexuality, even just to say I came out to so-and-so hurrah!, is as awkward as me talking about who I'm sleeping with (hypthetically). I can see what she means, sort of. She doesn't really care that I'm bi, she just doesn't want to hear about it.

It's not best reaction but it's not the worst either. I mean, having one of those mothers who go to Pride Parades with their kids would be great but my mom just considers it flaunting.

I just have to deal with that, I guess. When I get a girlfriend it will obviously be more in-her-face. Then she'll have to deal with that.

I'm lucky to have parents that are so accepting. I mean, when my friend Amy cracks jokes about my sexuality, my dad laughs at them. Other than that he and I don't talk about it. We're not that close and I don't really feel I have to tell him about it. Not sure why.

I joined my school's gay club on Thursday. The only people who know are a few friends. They're always supportive.

I don't know. Que sera, sera.
(Friends are the family you chose right? I think I've picked some damn good ones.)

Oh yeah, I also found out about a local queer summer camp. I got really excited and emailed them. They asked me to email them back in the spring, when they had more things figured out. It seems like a paying job. I would love to work at a local summer camp! (As opposed to last summer when I worked at a residential one. That was hard!) Once again, I've only told some friends. I'll only tell my parents when things are more definite. I think my mom will frown in disapproval but won't stop me. Which is good. Maybe my getting hired by Project10, the camp, will make her see how important this is to me.

Lately, I've been having difficulties with my mom. Any time I try to talk about my sexuality with her--mention that I came out to some close friends or whatnot--she gets a little dismissive. I get 'displeased' vibes from her. I wonder if she thinks my bisexuality is a phase.

It most definitely is not. Or if it 'is', it's because I'm still figuring out my gender identity. Sexuality is pretty fluid but I don't think I'm completely am not straight. Actually, straight has nothing to do with it. It's pansexuality more than anything. I haven't checked out the queer scene in my town much and haven't dated anyone so I'm still figuring these things out.

Still, I'm me and I'm not going to change. It's just that I may not have understood everything about myself yet.

At the beginning of the new year, my mom told me I shouldn't 'flaunt or advertise' my sexuality and that if she were a lesbian, she would only come out to people if she were interested in them. I was so surprised shocked I didn't say anything.

A few weeks later, I spoke to her about it. I told her that if I didn't come out to my friends, I felt like I was holding back a part of myself from them. I trust them. If they aren't okay with it, I don't want them as my friend anyway (ohshoot not sure if I mentioned that part hmm...). In the end, we agreed to disagree.

I don't feel like that's a good place to be. I don't want tolerance. I would like acceptance, please. I talked to a friend of mine about it, he wants to be a shrink, so he went all therapist on me. I felt a little attacked--he was rather unrelenting. He insists my mom has lost sight of who I am, that she is unsure that I am me. Or that she feels she no longer knows who I am. She's known for nine months. She would talk to me if she were worried or confused. We're close.
Admittedly, we've been communicating less because of school, living on two different floors of the house, and... not sure... I think when I'm unsure or confused or upset I withdraw into myself. I get that from her. She could be doing the same thus less communication? I should go back to emailing her once a day, just for updates.

I'm a little scared too. I know I'm out and all but... I doubt I'll be rejected... gah!

My wannabe-therapist friend went on about how I should describe my friends and tell her why I trust them since she doesn't know some of them. I don't think they have to do with it.

My much blunter friend told me I should just ask her what problem she has with my bisexuality. Seems smart to me. I just need to muster up the guts to do it.

This is about me. Not her. If she doesn't like that I come out to my close friends (and admittedly other people too, not often though) then she'll just have to deal. I'm comfortable with my sexuality. I like kissing girls, guys, and genderqueers (alliteration!).

I don't discuss my sexuality much because it seems to make her uncomfortable. It makes me feel awkward when she's uncomfortable. I think she forgets about it sometimes because she occasionally gets startled and deer-in-headlights when I bring it up. Out of sight, out of mind?

My 11-year-old brother handles it much better than she does. I mean, at least he asks questions.

Maybe when I get a girlfriend, it will be more real to her. At any rate, I'm looking to get more involved with my local queer community so she can't ignore it forever. Maybe I should go to PFLAG and get some reading materials for her.

Therapist-friend thinks that it ought to come straight from my own mouth but there are some things I just can't explain. I can't address problems parents have difficulty with. How would I know about them? Ha, I could get her to join a support group. 'Parents with gay children' anonymous.

We'll see, I guess.
(No matter what she says, I'm going to do what I want so if I don't have her approval--whatever. This is me and my needs, not her.)

For the record, I am out to all of my closest friends, several teachers, a smattering of acquaintances and old friends, my parents, my brother, an aunt and a cousin. It's on my Facebook profile. I am certain many people may suspect I'm queer.

having difficulty in high school

baklash_shadow 's plight has compelled me to write about my final year of high school. I think that may require me to describe myself a bit so you can understand the depths of my difficulty at the time.

First off, I love learning. I enjoy learning new things, debating about ideas, and having different opinions than the teacher and being able to freely discuss them. I'm very creative and need to express that. A lot. I don't like math all that much because I'm not all that good at it. I like being good at things and being able to use my talents. If I didn't have writing and other methods of creative expression, I honestly think I would go mad.
I've had practice at repressing myself, unfortunately, because of my sexuality. I'm still getting over that.

High school, though, felt like it was trying to stifle me at every turn. No, that's an exaggeration. High school was not at all stimulating for me, except for some English classes and journalism classes. I'm not really certain how to describe how high school repressed me. I had good close friends, mostly good teachers, great grades, and things to commit myself to--namely the school paper but also an after-school homework program where I aided students with their homework.

But I felt trapped. I was not learning. I wasn't furthering myself or pushing myself. That hurt. I need to learn and do new things or else I suffer. I get lethargic. Towards the end of school I become increasingly apathetic towards my grades, except for journalism.

The only reason for that was because I had a supportive shoulder in the form of my journalism teacher. It was his first time teaching the class. He was refreshing, intelligent, creative, expressive, flamboyant, humorous, and street-wise. We were kindred spirits. He pushed me to do better: I once complained about a poor English mark and he yelled at me to "Work harder!" I did. He critiqued both my journalism work and my creative work, showing me where I went wrong and telling me about strengths I didn't realize I had. He fed me new material: things I could learn from, people I should know, books I ought to read--things outside the ciriculuum. Halfway through the year, he re-started the school's defunct creative writing club and that became an outlet for me.

We stayed in touch through emails and phone calls because of the school newspapers. I  would send him interesting tidbits about journalism. Most of the time, we talked about life, instead of school. School was dull, after all.

He saved me. Around March, I began visiting him frequently and by May, almost every other day. His special needs class would go 'oh not you again!'. I skipped out on many French classes saying (and a few math ones) I needed to do things for the school paper--usually a fib--to go visit him. We would talk and he would support me and answer all my questions about the world outside the school.

In turn, I supported him when it came to dealing with difficult students. I occasionally helped him correct students' work and our banter provided much-needed levity. When he broke down one day in May, I was the one there to give him support. I told him: "You're a stubborn son-of-a-bitch who cares about his kids!" and he smiled at me wearily and told me I was right. Later, I texted him: 'How many students can get away with calling their teacher an s.ob.?"

it's because we were friends.

Things were still difficult. My parents were separated and my math grade was fluctuating wildly.

I wanted to go to college desperately. I wanted choices and freedom. I wanted interesting classes, ideas that hurt my brain, flexible hours, amazing people, and knowledge.

I can still recall quite vividly (almost a year later) this horrifying daydream/nightmare I had while sitting through a mind-numbing math class somewhere in between February and May. In it, I threw tables and chairs at the door and windows. They would crack and splinter but would not break. Inwardly--outside the dream, I was yelling and sobbing. I was trapped.

To my extreme delight, June eventually came. School was out! I was free!

It was incredibly liberating. I went on to work at a challenging-yet-fun summer camp that made me have even more respect for my teacher-friend was I realized how difficult it was to deal with special needs children.

Now I am in my second semester of college, studying Literature. I'm also in a specialized study program called Reflections that gives me everything I wanted out of college and more.

That feeling of entrapment still sometimes hovers in my more boring classes but it is extraordinairly light compared to what I experienced in high school.

I guess I wrote about this so people could know that they're not alone out there. That there is hope...which sounds a little cheesy since it's just high school. But it can be incredibly tough especially if you don't have support.

My support goes out to all who are struggling through school right now.

(This has been cross-posted to my other journal, inkypress )

That excitement in finding new music!

You know when you find this band and go: 'Hey, I've heard of you before but who the devil are you?' And then you go look them up and find out that they're completely awesome and can't figure out WHY you didn't look them up before?!

Yes well. I'm having one of those moments.

AMANDA PALMER! (bonus 'cause she's getting married to Neil Gaiman, guys)
Holy crap. It's like the rock-opera feel from American Idiot meets My Chemical Romance's The Black Parade with a bit of HIM thrown in. Her style/genre/thing is called 'dark cabaret'.
www.youtube.com/watch

So now I'm looking for stuff similar to her. Out of the stuff I've found so far I've liked: Tiger Lillies, Pretty Balanced, Revue Noir, Vermillion Lies, Voltaire, Rasputina, Melora Creager, Charming Hostess, Circus Contraption, and Nicki Jaine.

quiz results

Normally, I don't post these things but this quiz was so snarky and amusing, I had to.

<center>
    <a href="http://www.sundancechannel.com/seduction/#goods/quiz">
        <img src="http://www.sundancechannel.com/seduction/images/blogimages/escape_artist.gif" border="0" />
    </a>
</center>

Just... yes. This.

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